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I try, you know? I try damn hard.

In a world where everyone seems to hate everyone else, I try to be the one that sees the good in people. I try to be the optimistic one-- to not let a dram of evil spoil all the noble substance, as it were.

So why does it seem like people are trying so damn hard to disprove that outlook? Everywhere I look, there seems to be a counterexample. Is there no room in this world for optimists?

Assuming the best of people always seems to get you screwed over, too. So I'm naive, then? Is the line between optimism and naivete so fine as to be nonexistent?

...

A lot of what's bothering me is people's attitudes towards other people. Sometimes it seems... that ideas are more important than people.

What do you mean by that, Matt?

Well...

(I'm only using this overly specific pseudo-hypothetical situation because I failed at racking my brain for a purely hypothetical situation to explain what I meant.)

Say there's a thread in a forum about a controversial topic. Well... not even controversial; this "debate" is pretty one-sided, with the majority of people having severe objections to one particular side, with varying levels of rationality.

The OP of the thread, however, is picking up the unpopular side and defending it. He does this pretty competently-- but takes a lot of flak for being on the "bad side", whether or not he actually "agrees" with it, as such.

Say that I then decide to post in this thread. I say that I don't really agree with the unpopular side, but admit that my reasons for doing so may be irrational, and for that reason I'd rather not debate for or against it, given that I'm uninformed on this topic and find it uncomfortable to discuss anyways. Additionally, I state my reservations against the prospect of depicting the other side in a strongly negative light, given that I myself have had opinions that have been treated this way. And finally, I commend the OP on his courage for taking up such an unpopular side and defending it, in spite of all the abuse he's getting.

Cue the crapstorm. I'm accused of pandering to this side, of being "hyper-PC", and basically am looked at as a wet noodle. And, of course, you can tell by the language that the response uses that I am now officially lumped in with the unpopular side.

A lot of people's reputations in the forum in question are tainted due to the fact that they dared to defend the "bad side".

So... yeah. Ideas become more important than people. My efforts to support a person got interpreted as support for an idea, as if the two had become synonymous.

Of course... ideas are important. I won't pretend they aren't. But where's the line? When do they become so important that people stop mattering? And how many people am I going to alienate by thinking that they really don't?

And that's the kicker, really. If you try not to alienate people, you get alienated.

And this isn't even all I'm complaining about. Just a small bit of it. There are countless other ways that optimism seems to become a flaw, a maladaptation.

So, is that it? Am I in fairyland for still wanting to be that kind of person? Am I naive?

Fuck me sideways. I'm too optimistic to believe it.
majutsukai: (Default)
Rainbow Pudding is a dastardly invention that should never have seen the light of day.
majutsukai: (Default)
So, I haplessly stumbled upon the colossal, mind-boggling time-waster that is StumbleUpon today. (Pun not intended in the slightest. I seriously could not think of another verb to use in that damn sentence. X-x)

I wouldn't be calling it a time-waster if it weren't fun; if it were boring, I wouldn't waste my time with it. But it did get me thinking about something, and put me in the mood for a nice rant. So YOU, my lovely little captive audience, get the privilege of coming along for the ride.

I've actually made an attempt to make it interesting to read, though. )
majutsukai: (Default)
What does someone who values harmony as highly as I do, do, in such a chaotic little world as this?

People don't always get along. It's a simple fact of reality. But I don't choose to be torn up by it. It's just... how I am. I can't function when someone I care about is mad at someone else I care about, or at me.

I try my damndest to help and patch things up where I can, but with every patch, two new leaks spring forth.

I can't fix things, but I can't be satisfied with them broken. So, what do you do?

So, hey.

May. 18th, 2008 02:33 am
majutsukai: (Default)
I'm applying for what will be my first-ever LJ RP, [livejournal.com profile] malaisehouse.

'Bout time, huh?

My application )

Awaiting approval as we speak.

EDIT: Approved.
majutsukai: (Default)
Have I ever mentioned how much I hate lawnmowing?

Because I hate lawnmowing.

With a passion that burns in a blaze unsurpassed by the fires of the sun or even hell itself.

Especially the little wilderness that passes for our backyard. The time since it was last mowed would be better measured in ages than in months.

And there's still more to finish tomorrow.

Maaaaaaan. My weekend. It dies.
majutsukai: (Default)
Socrates once said, "Wise is he who understands that he knows nothing at all."

I was thinking about a lot of things today, and somewhere between philosophical musings, I realized just how wise Socrates was to have realized that.

Maybe later I'll go into detail about some of the things I figured out today while thinking... but I want to think some more about them first. I really do know nothing at all, after all.

Hehehe...

Oct. 31st, 2006 07:35 pm
majutsukai: (Default)
So... I know that last year I waited for the anniversary of my new LJ to make a new background and such, but inspiration struck, so my journal now has a shiny new look. ^^ I based it off of a poem that I'm writing right now, you can see a little excerpt (which is also the temporary title) in the corner. All of it was done from scratch except for the image of the Angel statue, and even then I drew the tears in myself. ^o^ So, take a look and tell me what you think. XP
I should probably mention that the background is made specifically for 1024x768 resolution, so if that's not your screen resolution, it probably won't look right. Sorry. ;o;

Also, that meme is just too fun, so I'm leaving it up for just one more post. >>'

Under a cut for the health and wealth of Friends pages everywhere. )

College.

Sep. 6th, 2006 12:59 am
majutsukai: (Default)
I really don't know what to do right now.

I suppose bitching at livejournal is as good as anything.

So, in this quaint little movie in my head, I was going to go off to college at Green River this quarter. Take some classes, learn some stuff, meet some people, be an adult. Life is good. But, it turns out, the little movie in one's head frequently ends up not matching up with reality.

And of course-- I say this with a pronounced roll of the eyes, since anyone with a head on their shoulders could have predicted it-- it's all my fault.

You see, there's this little, minor thing that is absolutely essential to becoming a college student, or to going to college at all. That's a little thing called money.

I knew it would happen eventually-- my chronic procrastination habit has finally become my demise. I didn't prepare the means to pay for it in time. So now, I've applied for a quarter of college at Green River that I can't even freaking pay for. I MIGHT be able to apply for financial aid and have it in time for the winter quarter, but the fall quarter I had my heart set on is looking pretty hopeless.

It's just all so anticlimactic. I was really nervous and excited about it, but now I find out that it was all over before summer even started.

I swear, I'm just like a child sometimes. When responsibility rears its head, I hide away and pretend that it doesn't exist. Then it blows up in my face and I cry about it. Just like I am now. Sometimes I wonder if my dad was right all this time, that I'm really not ready to become an adult. I certainly don't feel it, especially NOW.

So, if I am indeed forced to wait for the winter quarter, what will happen? Simple. Everybody else will be their perfect, responsible little selves and go to college, learn, meet people, and be adults, while I-- having long since missed that boat-- rot at home like the deadweight I am, further testament to the already apparent fact that I have no earthly value within a single cell of my pathetic body. And then complain about it to livejournal. That's what I'm destined for.

So, have fun with your lives, everyone. Don't miss me too hard.
majutsukai: (Default)
There's another reason that I don't tend to say much.

I've noticed that words can have an effect on people. You can brighten someone's day with just a brief compliment, or destroy a friendship with a single, thoughtless comment.

Not too long ago, I advised Michael that it was a good idea to plan out in advance when you speak, so you know exactly what to say and you don't say anything stupid. Now I realize how idiotic that advice is. You can't keep yourself from being an idiot by just thinking, as paradoxical as that may sound.

The thing of it is, the human mind is inherently flawed. Words reflect those flaws. But they're bent mirrors-- they usually magnify those flaws, or make them seem small and unimportant. The latter sort comes from people who have truly mastered the art. But the fact remains, every scratch and dent in a person will show in their words in some way.
Our words faithfully reflect us.

So, what do my words reflect?

That's what I fear. Many times, you'll reflect something you don't want to. And those reflections can hurt people.

Why would I want to use something that can hurt people I care about? Why would I want to wield the blade that cuts where I don't want it to?

That, I suppose, is one of the main reasons I'm silent. My words are stronger than I am. And I fear that strength.

But as vagrant as my words can be, I'm still responsible for them. So when they hurt someone, I have to own up to it and repent.

That, I suppose, is the main purpose of this. I don't like to hurt people. I don't like to make them feel bad. Am I weak? Yes. Am I a coward? Definitely. But I'm no villian.

So, I'm sorry. I'm an idiot. I feel terrible for being the pathetic, stupid idiot that I am. But don't let my stupidity bring you down.

That's all. Please don't hate me.
majutsukai: (Default)
Holy fuck.

I'm now experiencing the last few hours of being seventeen years old. When the clock turns to midnight, I'll officially be an adult. My days as a kid will be officially... over. And do you know what? I'm not at all sure that I like it.

On the one hand, I'll be able to register to vote. That's a good thing. On the other, I'll have to register for the draft-- not a nice thing for a pacifist such as myself. I'll also be able to be arrested and tried as an adult; not that I plan on doing anything wrong, but it's not a terribly comforting thought at any rate. Think of it as the difference between somebody saying "Don't rob this bank," and someone saying "Don't rob this bank or I'll shoot you with this gun I'm pointing in your face." The fact that you're a good, law-abiding citizen provides little comfort. Then, there's the responsibility of being an adult; plus the thought of my comfy little high school life coming to an end in a few months. Frankly, it kinda scares me. Dammit, why can't I be excited about it like a normal human being?

I'd like to say this will mean that my dad will get off my back about stuff, but it will probably only mean an increase in the things he expects from me. I doubt he'll think of me as an adult anyway.

So what is it about the incidence of one day that makes one an adult? The obvious answer is, of course, nothing; I'm as much an adult now as I'll be when I wake up in the morning. So, should it scare me? I mean, it's not like an actual change; it's just the government looking in my direction and suddenly noticing that I'm not a kid anymore.

Now that I'm at the very verge, everything looks different. The big things look bigger, the small things look smaller. Why, for instance, am I worrying about when the next Final Fantasy or Rockman game comes out when I should be worrying about applying to college? Why am I idly reading webcomics when I've got a senior project festering in my backpack? Why am I updating my livejournal when I should be finishing my work for AP Gov? A whole bunch of whys, and not a whole lot of becauses. Will I still, as a legal adult, procrastinate and end up staying up late into the night so I'm falling asleep the next day? Will I still skirt my Sound and Sense work even though it's brought my grade down to a D? Will I keep hiding from my dad like some pigeon-hearted turtle? I don't know. I just don't know.

All I know is, I've got two lives ahead of me-- one about to end, and one just barely beginning. And I'm sure as hell not getting any younger.
majutsukai: (Default)
I've been thinking. You know how the phrase "teen angst" exists and is in common use in the english language? It's sort of a one-size-fits-all explanation for all the drama that teens go through in that critical seven-year period. Something to do with emotional and mental development, raging hormones and all that, no doubt. Got a histrionic, emotional teen on your hands? Oh, it's just that teen angst. They'll get over it, nothing to worry about.

What does that mean, exactly? Does the existance of such a phrase mean that all teens have an excess of drama, that hormones are entirely to blame? Does that mean that, were I an adult, I wouldn't observe half the grievances in my life as I do now? Am I being overdramatic when I observe how much my life sucks? It really does confuse me.

With this whole idea of hormones, I feel like my emotions are being played with. How many of them are real, and how many are hormonal outbursts? Who would LIKE being told that's all their emotions are? Who would LIKE being told that the grievances they experience are nothing but a part of growing up, to be grown out of, cast off, and laughed at later in life when looking through photo albums and attending high school reunions? They FEEL real, which makes it all the more confusing when you have an entire culture's worth of evidence that they're not. What's one to think?

You hear people take on the same sort of tone they use with "teen angst" when they mention "young love", too. What does that mean? You hear stories of how guys in ages past tatooed the names of their High School sweetheart to their arm or back or something (In fact, I've seen some present-day guys that have done just this), and ended up regretting it when the one they actually grew up to marry saw it. What should the countless number of teens in the midst of such "young love", as it's so tactfully put, make of that? Your love is fake? Your relationship is destined to fail? You do hardly ever hear of a successful High-School romance. The consensus seems to be that young people are never capable of understanding the concept of love in the first place, and that they'll only experience that "deep, meaningful love" later in life. What's one to think?

Are our minds really so governed by this monolithic "puberty" that we're not ourselves at all?
(EDIT: Perhaps I was exaggerating here a bit... Obviously one can't be completely governed by such a thing, but the question is, to what extent does it affect us?-- A question that can't be answered with any level of certainty, at least not here and now.)

I'm not sure I know where I'm going with all this. Maybe just a way of venting some troubled thoughts I've had of late. I don't really like the thought of any other force but my mind governing my emotions; it's been the source of quite the amount of unrest in the past months.

Hm. Funny thing... Now that I've typed out all my thoughts, a quote I heard recently comes to mind.
"Youth cannot know how age thinks and feels. But old men are guilty if they forget what it was to be young."
I'm not sure if this ties anything up or not, but it certainly seems relevant. I guess this is just a question I'm going to have to figure out in the years to come. Who knows? An answer may come even sooner than that.

Feel free to discuss your opinions on this, even though this is basically just a venting session. >.>;;

(EDIT AGAIN: That was kind of a hint that I wanted opinions. At least SOMEONE got it. ¬¬)
majutsukai: (Default)
I've actually managed to get used to this wierd schedule... That doesn't mean I'm happy about not being able to sleep in like the other half of the students, but hey, whatever.

I managed to screw up last week's note, though. Got three out of the four signatures I needed, then gave it to Jones-sensei, and never got it back. x_x So, this weekend was kind of boring. And I managed to get a truckload of homework, even despite having only half my classes. -_-

I'm thinking now that I want to post chapter three of the scriptures... but I don't really know if I'm done making all the alterations I want to. Ah, I suppose I'll post what I have.

Chapter 3: The Development of Religion )

Yeah, this one's really short compared to the other chapters.

Over the weekend, I had to do a homework assignment for Mythology on my philosophy concerning good and evil. It was, despite all expectations, kind of fun. >_< Never thought I'd be saying that about something we were assigned in Mythology. Anyways, I borrowed a little bit from what has now earned the name "Sartenian Philosophy", which is not intrinsically related to my myths, but rather it's philosophy I came up with while inventing the myths. I just may post a little exposé on it later on, cuz I'm actually kind of proud of it. ^^
...however, I'm supposed to present it in front of class on tuesday. Which I plan on refusing to do.
majutsukai: (Default)
Okay, got the chapter now. This one explains not only the origin of Humans, but of reptiles, hell, sexism, stuff like that... it may be worth it to note that this does not condone sexism, just attempts to explain where it came from. The first chapter was two pages or less, but this one's three and a half. x_x
Enjoy!

Chapter 2: The Creation of Humans )

I may post chapter 3 some time in the near future, too.
majutsukai: (Default)
My energy, drive, and desire to succeed have all taken a sick day.

Why, you ask?

Because the demon known as the common cold has deigned to pay me another unwanted visit. I swear, by the end of the day, my nose will shrivel up and fall off from disuse. ;_;

I just wish I could have stayed in bed today... But my conscience, in tandem with my lack of desire to ruin the perfect attendance record I've faithfully kept up for about four and a half years now keeps me from doing it. Yeah, that pesky conscience thing. It'll pay off some day, I know, but right now all I can see through this tunnel vision is oxygen deprivation from lack of air through the nose. *snrk*

Please, somebody invent a cure ;_;
majutsukai: (Default)
OK, here's the deal.
I've always had a fair amount of interest in mythology. That's why, since last semester, I've been working on my own set of myths based on my beliefs and values. In light of a recent assignment in Mythology class, which requires us to create our own creation myth, I decided to put some of the ideas in writing.
It's difficult to understand some of it without knowing the backstory. I've heard several theories being thrown around about how if there's a real god in heaven, he's evil. So, I thought to myself, "How would that work?", and Sartenian mythology was born. I eventually drifted away from that original idea, since one of the primary philosophies in Sartenian mythology is that there is no such thing as real evil. However, I've written enough in it that I've decided to share it with the world. so, submitted for your approval, I present to you:
Chapter One: The Creation of the Universe, and of Life )
As you can probably tell, I meant it also to be a unification and explanation of all the world's mythologies. You can expect a chapter on the development of religion later on. But the next chapter is the creation of humans, which I'm almost finished with.
majutsukai: (Default)
Wow. My life genuinely sucks.
Not only is the homework still piling itself onto me, slowly becoming sentient and planning to crush me once and for all, but the terms of the deal have once again been changed. I now have to complete a note EVERY WEEK. And he expects me to wait till the last possible moment (so he can get up-to-date info, I guess), when I have no time to take care of anything that pops up at the last second. Which is precisely what happened this time. A bunch of things in Programming class took me by surprise; it's looking like this one might be the "problem class" of the bunch. Fortunately, he's letting me save the notes for weeks at my Mom's until monday, if I don't have them finished. But that's the extent of it. My stance is, he needs to be LESS involved in my school life, and let me sink or swim of my own accord. But, nooooo. He just tightens his vice-grip on my everyday life. I have more important things to worry about than making sure I have zero missing assignments (A mark very few achieve) every hour of every fucking day, dammit! I feel like a fucking elementary schooler. >_<
In other news, it was my Dad's birthday yesterday. And of course, I felt obligated to get him a gift. Damn this conscience of mine.
majutsukai: (Default)
Good news and bad news.
Good news: I did indeed get a note from all my teachers, and my privileges are restored for the break.
Bad news: As per his normal behavior*, my dad changed the conditions of the deal. Now I have to do one of those notes every other week before coming here in order to earn privileges for the following week. As if I have nothing better to do in class but prove that I'm not missing assignments. I just wish my dad would stay out of my fucking business, but no. He has to know everything about me every fucking waking moment. Not just this, either, but he expects me to tell him all the things I do on the internet, the only time he knocks before entering my room is when he tries to open the door and finds it locked (Not even the courtesy of knocking and coming in anyways, which is still pointless, but at least a little courteous) because I have no "right" to the privacy that I desire. I've tried to tell him many times over that it's not a matter of rights, it's not that I should get what I have legal rights to and nothing more, it's a matter of being NICE and granting me that little privacy that will hurt neither of us and do me a world of good.
OK, now that I'm done ranting about that.
I went to the bookstore yesterday; bought books 2-5 in the Narnia series (in the new distribution order). I've read the Magician's Nephew from the school library, and thoroughly enjoyed it; and I finished The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe earlier today. Loving the series so far. ^^
And, as my quota of herculean feats for this break, I managed to finish all my homework in one night. >_<
So, yeah. That's it.
(*He gets to know what he wants, when he wants to, honesty be damned.)
majutsukai: (Default)
Shit, dammit, fuck, and all that fun crap.
I have no idea if this and the previous update are in any way related, but the internet now doesn't work on my new computer. The inevitable result of which will be the reformatting of my brand-new and beloved hard drive. ;_; NOOOOO! EDEN WAS SO SWEET WHILE IT LASTED!!! *sobs*
Otherwise, I'm thoroughly loving and hating my new classes. Programming and Japanese are so far ruling, while Advanced Algebra and Mythology bring nothing but two unique piles of interminable homework assignments daily.
Other than this, not really much to say. This restriction is, however, taking a visible toll on my update frequency. However, my dad made a deal with me that if I bring back signed proof that I am completely caught up in all my classes, this gargantuan punishment will be destroyed in its infancy. So, I'm hoping that I actually WILL be able to provide such, because while I believe I'm caught up, things have an odd tendency of sneaking up and biting me in the ass at the least expected moment. And if I don't get it this week, I'll be going all through mid-winter break next week without those priveleges I've so longed for. Wish me luck, everyone! Out.

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