Ouch, my browser!

Dammit. I thouroughly hate myself.
I JUST got my new computer working, with internet and everything, and now it's been infected with more spyware than some colorful metaphor I don't care to think of at the moment.
My homepage has been hijacked, I get tons of pop-ups, and my desktop keeps setting itself to some html document about spyware; and now, my web browser looks for key words in webpages and links them to questionable web sites. And the worst of it is, the people doing all this claim to be spyware removal... things. It wouldn't surprise me one bit if this entry was being spied on as I type it. Is there anyone out there who can help me? ;_;
EDIT: Got eAccelerator StopSign, and that took care of the TopText (weird links) problem, along with probably countless others I haven't noticed; I've got to restart my computer before I see what else it resolved, but I don't want to just yet. As for the Homepage Hijacker, I'm supposed to be getting an email from the tech support guy with a link to a useful program (Hopefully more useful than HijackThis), along with instructions. So far, nothing. Here's hoping it actually does get here. ^^