(no subject)

[majutsukai]

I've always considered myself a linguist. Words are what I know best, after all. They're the tool I use to express myself, to make my thoughts into tangible reality. But why do they have to fail me when I need them most?

I decided to come over to my Mom's early this week. I didn't consult with my Dad about it, because I figured he wouldn't approve. I just got a call from Kris asking me why I came over.

I wanted to tell her the real reason. That I was tired of the way he handled things, and I wanted to prove that I could dig myself out of the hole I'm in in school without his help-- something he wouldn't ever let me prove. But when it came right down to it, what came out of my mouth?

"I wanted to."

DAMMIT. Where did THAT come from!?

I was put on the spot, I guess, and I got afraid. Like always. I got nervous and couldn't think. So, my words failed me. Like they always do.

I can NEVER say what I want to to either of them. I don't GET it. All the words are here in my mind. I want to tell them that I think they're treating me like a child, that I can be better if they let me, that I'm more than they think I am. But my own nerves won't let me. I stand in his shadow, and my gift leaves me. And so, he's left with his half-assed perspective of what kind of a person I am reinforced. What am I supposed to do!?

I hate it. There's nothing more stifling to me than lacking words. That may come as a surprise to some people that know me-- I'm not exactly the talker, after all-- but that only means I ration my words. I only use them when they count, and I use them to the best effect I can manage. But when I want to stand up to my Dad and Stepmom, I lose that ability. And it's sinking me deeper in with them.

The problem, I think, is the fear. I'm afraid of what they'll think. If I tell them everything that's on my mind, will they listen? Or will they knock my ideas down, like they always seem to do, and ridicule me for being thick-headed and childish? I don't know. But that's what I'm afraid of.

My Dad's probably home by now. Kris will have told him what I said. I'm waiting for his call, asking me to explain myself. And I don't know what to do.

Comments

[hinoryu.livejournal.com]

Well, Matt, I have the equally annoying and opposite problem. I can't shut up, even when I need to. This usually only results in a biff, but it's gotten rather bad sometimes... There's a reason my dad's no longer legally related to me anymore.