Some things that have been on my mind

[majutsukai]

There's another reason that I don't tend to say much.

I've noticed that words can have an effect on people. You can brighten someone's day with just a brief compliment, or destroy a friendship with a single, thoughtless comment.

Not too long ago, I advised Michael that it was a good idea to plan out in advance when you speak, so you know exactly what to say and you don't say anything stupid. Now I realize how idiotic that advice is. You can't keep yourself from being an idiot by just thinking, as paradoxical as that may sound.

The thing of it is, the human mind is inherently flawed. Words reflect those flaws. But they're bent mirrors-- they usually magnify those flaws, or make them seem small and unimportant. The latter sort comes from people who have truly mastered the art. But the fact remains, every scratch and dent in a person will show in their words in some way.
Our words faithfully reflect us.

So, what do my words reflect?

That's what I fear. Many times, you'll reflect something you don't want to. And those reflections can hurt people.

Why would I want to use something that can hurt people I care about? Why would I want to wield the blade that cuts where I don't want it to?

That, I suppose, is one of the main reasons I'm silent. My words are stronger than I am. And I fear that strength.

But as vagrant as my words can be, I'm still responsible for them. So when they hurt someone, I have to own up to it and repent.

That, I suppose, is the main purpose of this. I don't like to hurt people. I don't like to make them feel bad. Am I weak? Yes. Am I a coward? Definitely. But I'm no villian.

So, I'm sorry. I'm an idiot. I feel terrible for being the pathetic, stupid idiot that I am. But don't let my stupidity bring you down.

That's all. Please don't hate me.

Comments

[nytyngayl.livejournal.com]

I can honestly say that I have no idea of how to respond to that.

Heh. For being a writer, I seem to run out of words a lot, don't I?

I don't hate you, it's just...

I don't even know what it is anymore.

I'm just sick of being compared to everyone else. It's like I'm being told what I'm supposed to be, how I'm supposed to act, and then getting patronized when I don't live up to everybody's expectations.

I'm sorry. I should have been more mature about it all, but I guess I kind of got caught up in it.

Damn, I'm such a hypocrite. I tell everyone to grow up, and then I go and act like a child throwing a temper tantrum.

And again, I find myself at a loss for words. About all I can say is I'm sorry. For everything.

[majutsukai.livejournal.com]

Beth, you have nothing to be sorry for.

I'm sorry if I make it seem otherwise, but I don't have standards that you can just fail to meet. I'm not grading you on your performance or something-- just be you. That's all I need, and that's all you need.

I know what it is to feel like I'm not enough. It sucks, and I don't want you to feel like that, especially if it's because of me. You-- and Taylor, and Michael-- are of the few people that make me feel good about myself.

So, the apology is mine to make. I didn't exactly do an outstanding job of returning the favor.

[nytyngayl.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

And thanks for putting up with me. I know I can get emotional and outright bitchy at times, and I can't say how thankful I am that I have friends who stick with me- even when I make them feel like shit.

I know I've done it, don't try to pull the whole "It's okay! I've never felt that way!" thing, because I know it's true.

For half my life I had no friends, and finding ones as good as you guys are now is really amazing.